In the post, Learning To Influence Your Interactions In Groups, I mentioned that sometimes it is not only necessary but beneficial to walk away from some groups in which you’ve been investing energy. If you do leave, however, it would be prudent for you to examine your thoughts and feelings about your decision.
Consider the 5 Ws. These all approach the same answers with different questions.
But perhaps one of these questions will alert you to the primary reason you made the decision to leave the group.
1. Is there a WHO causing me to leave the group? If so, write down all the reasons you are allowing this person to control your experience.
2. WHAT specific experience led me to make the decision to leave, if any? Did someone embarrass you or hurt your feelings? Are you not getting referrals? Are you not being allowed the same status in this group as in others?
3. WHEN did I change my mind about the group? This helps you determine if your decision is actually connected to an event—one that you would prefer to forget!
4. WHERE did I expect this group to take me that it failed to do? We often have unconscious and unrealistic expectations about our involvement with a group, and it leads to our being disgruntled without being able to pinpoint why.
5. WHY is it in my best interests to leave this group? List all the advantages—not the reasons—of your leaving this group.
Unless you are able to analyze your experiences in a group, your experiences will not improve. Of course, there are many groups that you participate in that seem to work wonderfully. That’s great! We all have interactions that are pleasing, supportive, and reciprocal. However, it is usually through the groups that are necessary for upgrading your job/business, your social life, etc. that you encounter the most conflict and yet can benefit from the most if you take the time to understand your role in them.
Different tensions arise during the varying stages of a group. You can see that the tensions that might be present when you first enter a group, such as what motivated you to be there and will you be able to become part of the existing clique, are different from the tensions that might arise later after you’ve been assimilated into the group. Then the tensions might be related to how much time you want to take away from your own business to promote the group or perhaps you’re being asked to be a mentor and you really want to be the student. Recognizing these tensions as normal stages of group life keeps you from over-reacting to them.
Because you are now making sense of the environment in each group and your place in it through self-observation, you are better able to:
- communicate effectively,
- maintain the delicate balance between relational and task-oriented issues necessary for solid decision-making, and
- manage the tensions that arise in any group at any stage.
“Fitting in” is not about giving up who you are. “Fitting in” is about working on yourself so that you can achieve your full potential. If you’re constantly at odds with everyone, how do you expect to benefit from the relationships or receive the rewards that group participation can offer?
All the best on your quest,
Dannye Williamsen
The Solopreneur’s Coach
“The Edge You Need To Prosper™”
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This is great advice and a wonderful post. The people you allow into your universe have such an effect on the results you get in life, yet this is often overlooked.
I always advise people if they feel they’re not getting the results they should, the first place to check is their circle of friends/interactions.
I shall be subscribing to this blog! Nice one.
Hi I’m Justin I like your blog it made alot of sense.